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Casual scribbling – many people have asked why I’m not in a relationship or dating anyone, and some have even speculated that I might be hiding a partner or dealing with serious issues. To be honest, I haven’t really thought about this deeply. This morning, after my recording session with Susan, she brought it up again, suggesting if she could introduce me to one of her husband’s friends. I said no without much hesitation, and I must admit, it’s quite intriguing.

While I may come across as somewhat naive, my main focus has always been on dedicating my time solely to my music and personal growth. I’ve always had a clear sense of what I wanted to achieve and how much I cherish playing the piano. Pursuing my musical journey has brought me immense satisfaction. I want to emphasize that this absolutely does NOT mean I see myself as a superior pianist or person compared to those in relationships. Actually, it’s completely opposite. In reality, I’m not better than anyone, not even busier than they are, and I live an extremely “boring life” which I enjoy to the fullest. There are still times when I face difficulties in looking after myself, and I worry about navigating through various complex challenges. So I have a great deal of admiration for those who thrive as sincere musicians and wonderful partners in their relationships. It’s apparent from my own experience that balancing both aspects can be quite challenging for me. At times, I do ask myself, am I being lazy and selfish? Could that be why I’m not particularly interested in getting to know anyone? It’s a thought that crosses my mind, but honestly, I’m not entirely sure.

Embracing solitude has allowed me to introspect and discover my true self. The most significant outcome of this journey is realizing that I can be socially awkward and not always the nicest person. Since returning to the States last year, though, I’ve made substantial progress, thanks to the amazing people in Stony Brook who continually inspire and encourage me with their warmth and humanity. The more I ponder, the stronger my appreciation becomes for the incredible friends in my life who share their love for music and have consistently been a sincere source of support, encouraging me to be my authentic self. Without a doubt, the cherished “teammates” in Munich have left a significant mark on my life and have been there for me during the toughest of times.

Of course, I long for intimacy and dream of building a family of my own. I’ve made attempts to seek such connections, but I faced confusion, misunderstanding, and emotional fragility. What I’ve come to realize is that I don’t want temporary individuals to enter my mind and soul. I refuse to waste my time and my heart on shallow flirtations and superficial conversations that only bring false hope. I also don’t appreciate anyone who seeks to exploit my genuine truthfulness and respect. If someone has no intention of truly valuing me and only wants to toy with my emotions, they don’t deserve any part of me. As I’ve mentioned earlier, I do feel lonely at times, and this journey can make me quite miserable.

So, do I want to be with someone? Do I desire a committed relationship? Yes, absolutely. I want to sit beside a man with whom I feel comfortable being a woman and being myself. I want to be the person with whom he feels at ease being a man and being himself. I want to serve my man with sincerity and prayer. Whenever people ask me about when I’ll start properly dating again, my answer is that I genuinely don’t know. If it happens, it will happen in its own time. And if it does, I will be incredibly happy.