2020 January in Munich Neuburgerstraße: while the sizes, depths, and intensities of pain may vary, there was a moment in my life that resembled the dark tunnel we all encounter. It was perhaps one of the most challenging periods while living in Munich. This time applied to both me and my close friends. Initially, it started like shadows flowing behind, unseen but present, but at some point, it became so dark that it felt like I couldn’t see anything, causing great distress. It was pitch-black and suffocating.
Nevertheless, I decided to start planning my journey back to the States. I couldn’t bring myself to share this plan with my family or friends, but I started sending out emails in that room every morning, took out unread music history books to read, and began writing. Despite facing frustrating times, there was a sense of ignorant courage deep within me, believing that someday I could go back, as I persisted even when it felt like I was banging my head against the wall. As for others, I’m not sure, but it took me a considerable amount of time to go back to the States. Taking the leap to return to an old place and pursue another dream, leaving behind a simple and quiet life, a great professor, a supportive work environment, and numerous opportunities, required a significant amount of courage.
Despite the side effects, when I reflect on those moments, I have no regrets. There were countless instances when my depression grew deeper, and I felt the urge to stay in bed all day and cry. However, staying committed to my routine was more important than anything else. Even if no words came to my mind, even if I felt down, or even if I wanted to cry for no reason, I tried to sit at the desk. Strangely, spending a long time at the piano was excruciating during that period, so I could only think about doing something at the desk instead. Looking back on that period, I realize that I still held onto the belief that these shattered pieces would eventually come together, and I would find a way.
It is still challenging to put into words the emotions I couldn’t perceive in that space and time. I have even had extreme thoughts of giving up on life, believing that everything would vanish if I disappeared. However, I couldn’t use those thoughts as an excuse because it felt like betraying the people who truly loved me. I couldn’t easily let go of the thread of life.
I spent hours sitting at the desk, studying, sending emails, scheduling interviews, meeting professors through Zoom, and submitting applications to various places. I also made calls and sought words of wisdom from Schäfer. Throughout this slow and repetitive process with many failures, I recorded myself on camera all day long, fervently hoping that the person in the videos would retain her vitality and eventually yield healthy results, crafted through repetitive routines. Most of the precious photos and videos were lost when my phone broke, and this video is the only remaining piece.
Encountering moments of powerlessness due to the limitations of my “qualifications” and “skills,” an absolute inability, I also gained self-awareness regarding my arrogance and stupidity. Nonetheless, I am thankful for my genuine and ambitious aspirations, even if they may appear extremely naive, as I continue my journey to discover my life’s path amidst the interplay of contrasting experiences of light and shadow.
Surely, there might be instances in the future when I’ll find myself confined in unfamiliar circumstances. Nevertheless, just as I have always done, whether it is right or not, no matter how long it takes, I will persistently wait, reflect, push forward, and persevere, making an unwavering commitment. (My close friends often label me as stubborn (as f…) , and I must admit that I am incorrigible. )
Once more, I realize that even in moments of despair, life still shines on, precious and resilient.
musicthattouchesyoursoul 