Monthly Archives: August 2023

2020 January in Munich Neuburgerstraße: while the sizes, depths, and intensities of pain may vary, there was a moment in my life that resembled the dark tunnel we all encounter. It was perhaps one of the most challenging periods while living in Munich. This time applied to both me and my close friends. Initially, it started like shadows flowing behind, unseen but present, but at some point, it became so dark that it felt like I couldn’t see anything, causing great distress. It was pitch-black and suffocating.

Nevertheless, I decided to start planning my journey back to the States. I couldn’t bring myself to share this plan with my family or friends, but I started sending out emails in that room every morning, took out unread music history books to read, and began writing. Despite facing frustrating times, there was a sense of ignorant courage deep within me, believing that someday I could go back, as I persisted even when it felt like I was banging my head against the wall. As for others, I’m not sure, but it took me a considerable amount of time to go back to the States. Taking the leap to return to an old place and pursue another dream, leaving behind a simple and quiet life, a great professor, a supportive work environment, and numerous opportunities, required a significant amount of courage.

Despite the side effects, when I reflect on those moments, I have no regrets. There were countless instances when my depression grew deeper, and I felt the urge to stay in bed all day and cry. However, staying committed to my routine was more important than anything else. Even if no words came to my mind, even if I felt down, or even if I wanted to cry for no reason, I tried to sit at the desk. Strangely, spending a long time at the piano was excruciating during that period, so I could only think about doing something at the desk instead. Looking back on that period, I realize that I still held onto the belief that these shattered pieces would eventually come together, and I would find a way.

It is still challenging to put into words the emotions I couldn’t perceive in that space and time. I have even had extreme thoughts of giving up on life, believing that everything would vanish if I disappeared. However, I couldn’t use those thoughts as an excuse because it felt like betraying the people who truly loved me. I couldn’t easily let go of the thread of life.

I spent hours sitting at the desk, studying, sending emails, scheduling interviews, meeting professors through Zoom, and submitting applications to various places. I also made calls and sought words of wisdom from Schäfer. Throughout this slow and repetitive process with many failures, I recorded myself on camera all day long, fervently hoping that the person in the videos would retain her vitality and eventually yield healthy results, crafted through repetitive routines. Most of the precious photos and videos were lost when my phone broke, and this video is the only remaining piece. 

Encountering moments of powerlessness due to the limitations of my “qualifications” and “skills,” an absolute inability, I also gained self-awareness regarding my arrogance and stupidity. Nonetheless, I am thankful for my genuine and ambitious aspirations, even if they may appear extremely naive, as I continue my journey to discover my life’s path amidst the interplay of contrasting experiences of light and shadow.

Surely, there might be instances in the future when I’ll find myself confined in unfamiliar circumstances. Nevertheless, just as I have always done, whether it is right or not, no matter how long it takes, I will persistently wait, reflect, push forward, and persevere, making an unwavering commitment. (My close friends often label me as stubborn (as f…) , and I must admit that I am incorrigible. )

Once more, I realize that even in moments of despair, life still shines on, precious and resilient.

At times, I find ordinary days without any extraordinary events to be quite treasured. This weekend allows me to finally organize the thoughts that troubled me throughout the whole summer. I try my best to greet and say farewell to everyone I encounter, but as someone who enjoys people’s company, it’s not easy. It’s sad. Am I too emotionally vulnerable? While on the path of getting to know and learn more about people and their music, I felt a strong push aside. Even though experiences like this should become familiar by now, and someone might say it’s nothing quiet special, i found myself bewildered. Even though my words may sound dramatic, I express my fleeting emotions fearlessly when I write. I capture and embrace these feelings, letting them go without regrets, as a way to find inner peace again.

I find people so wonderful and cherishable, yet at the same time, forming strong connections fills me with tension. It takes time for me to open up, and I express myself sincerely without knowing where the limit is. However, there are moments when I want to disappear, making life feel tough.

I’ve developed a habit of pretending everything is fine, which appears to be the safest way to handle things. However, I realize that this silence might end up causing me more pain in the long run. Despite not being able to express it openly and verbally, I hold a mix of gratitude and regrets deep within myself as I bid farewell to certain people and welcome new ones into my life.

As a new semester approaches, I feel thankful for the chance to start again amid the changing circumstances and the environment. Today, having a lazy day like this also puts my mind at ease.

As I organize and make a list of the music I will perform this year, I wonder if I have taken on any unnecessary ambitions. Excessive greed always seems to bring about trouble, so whenever I feel a surge of cautiousness, I remember the words of my favorite football coach, Jurgen Klopp:

“Warum soll man denn nicht all-in gehen? Es mit allem zu versuchen, was auch immer, was man hat? Der einzige Grund, Der einen davon abhalten könnte, wäre ja, dass dann, wenn man scheitert, es mehr weh tut. Also so hab ich das zumindest verstanden. Und damit kümmere ich mich darum, wenn es soweit ist. Bis dahin kann ich nur All-in.”

Learning music, understanding the language of those who create music together, and exploring communication on stage are my “all-in.” Once the semester starts, it will be challenging to find time for such thoughts, but I want to live a consistent life, reminding myself of my all-in mindset.

I want to cherish this given time before pouring my all into everything. Perhaps that’s why the campus is still peaceful. My goal for this year is to pour my all into everything at regular intervals. Whether it’s relationships with people, music, or life, it won’t happen in a calculated way, but I want to live with an all-in mindset with better control. For the past 15 years, I’ve lived in the same pattern, which may seem a bit dull, but that’s my way of going all-in. 

While my life may not resemble a dramatic football game, my aspiration is to embrace a life of endless and consistent training, preparing for every moment as if it were a match, and giving my all to it continuously. This is the path I am committed to pursuing.