When i left Munich, I made one promise to my professor, Michael Schäfer, that i will find freedom.
As I reflect on this precious year, I am filled with gratitude for the remarkable people who have unexpectedly entered my life. I have never resisted people’s presence, nor have I clung onto those who departed. Despite my tearful nature, which I sometimes consider quite foolish, I chose to conceal this vulnerability and keep my heart strongly guarded. However, upon my return to the US, the people I encountered taught me valuable lessons, regardless of my narrow-mindedness. They enriched me as a musician, a human being, and a woman.
My aspirations were often accompanied by fear of the challenges that lay ahead, hindering my progress with continuous thoughts. However, being back here has brought me unparalleled joy and liberation.
Over the past few years, I have wrestled with expressing my music, as if putting together a complex puzzle. I am genuinely grateful for everything music has granted me this year. As someone with a thirst for music, every moment has brought me happiness. Even if my limited abilities hindered my self-expression, each moment was a source of immense enjoyment. It was truly exhilarating.
Learning knows no bounds. Within the realm of learning, the concept of “my self” disappears. This realization fills me with profound happiness. In music, there is no “self,” only the music itself. That is why I find such joy. It does not matter who I am. The privilege of playing and sharing music with others, witnessing the shared exultation, is a tremendous blessing in my life.
As someone who has always been socially reserved and introverted, I have gleaned immeasurable wisdom from the remarkable friends, professors, and colleagues I have encountered here. They embody kindness, dedication, and genuine goodwill. They embrace a deep love and concern for music, and they hold sincere respect for one another’s journeys. Although I may still wear a smile on the outside, inwardly, anxiety lingers, and self-doubt makes it extremely difficult to approach others. There are countless moments when words fail me, and I retreat to my “dark/safety zone” for days. Not checking phone calls/texts, indulging in donuts and milk, and watching YouTube videos in my bed are still my personal necessary rituals. However, compared to the past, I have undergone significant personal growth. I have learned to express my emotions, even if only to a small degree, and I now have the courage to speak sincerely rather than concealing my true intentions. These incredible friends and professors have transformed me, even those whom I had not known before. Playing music together, sharing laughter and tears, and indulging in coffee-fueled rants are gifts I never anticipated.
Even if I pour out my sincerity and continue to do so, it may still feel inadequate. Someday, I may encounter moments of despair in relationships as usual. However, for now, this past year has been an irreplaceable time, a year that has taught me that people still love someone like me. I must always remember gratitude towards those who have accepted and embraced me and live my life with humility, passion, and wholehearted sincerity.
musicthattouchesyoursoul 